ERIC'S USELESS LISTS OF USELESS STUFF
(otherwise titled "the incessant ramblings of a 15 year old Geek")
(note: not all facts may be accurate.)
THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE EATEN
- white out
- moldy cheese
- ink
- plastics (they save lives you know!)
- video games
- mercury
- lip balm
- cameras
- strong acids
- dogs
- cats
- fabrics
- lead
- pictures of the Hitchhiker's guy------------------------->
- rubber
- sandpaper
- titanium
- uranium
- candy wrappers
- meat byproducts
- pillows
- plutonium
- hats
- metals in general
- clothing
- mulch (unless your David)
- cardboard
- socks
- sharp pointy objects (Kaylie, cower in fear)
- poisonous items, such as snakes
- feathers
- wool
- electrical wiring
- computer chips
- money
- mailmen
- post-it® notes
- anything raw
- Carl Garcia (which is quite the same thing as a mailman, almost...)
- clothing (again)
- stoplights
- stop signs
- 1864 2-cent pieces
- people whose name happens to be Arvin
- laptops
- mp3s, (yeah I know that it isn't possible anyway, but....)
- anything involving waste products of a Brazilian tree sloth
- or trees for that matter
- anything involving "qwerty"
- televisions that are not edible
- and more coming soon! (assuming i think of more).
USELESS INFORMATION
- I am me
- you are you
- we are alive
- school is boring
- math is by far the worst thing known to humans
- my brother is odd
- today is only yesterday's tomorrow
- I like chocolate
- I love MINIs
- (amongst several other things)
- La la la la la la!
- hi
- birds can fly
- pencil can be erased
- needles are sharp and pointy
- Niagara Falls is very big
- and wet
- and tall
- and scary
- and bluish white
- and, oh, you get the idea, right?
- 2=2
- milk comes from cows, and goats and stuff like that
- 2+2=4 (I guess that that isn't totally useless)
- Cher had a last name, but it was so hard to pronounce, she got rid of it.-Cliffie (Eric's omnipresent mailman f(r)iend)
- Dr. Seuss created the term 'nerd'-Cliffie
- Every 3 seconds a can of SPAM® is opened somewhere in the world-Cliffie
- A chicken lived for 18 months without it's head. He holds the world record-Cliffie
- Ho Chi Minh (Chinese guy) looks exactly like Colonel Sanders (KFC Guy)-Cliffie
- there are 216 noodles in a can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup.
- Scientists consider anyone who hates Back to the Future to be severely mental.-Cliffie
- (that last one may not be totally accurate.)
- CDs are round and circular.
- TV Ducks (as seen on TV) are actually useful
- HOOPLAH!!!
- DVD's are round and circular
- :)
- :-)
- :]
- :-]
- :})
- :-})
- :{)
- :-{)
- {:-)
- :o
- :{o
- :-o
- {:-o
- {:-}o
- [:-)
- [:-(
- Eskimos have 441 words for snow
- the first fuel used in a hot air balloon was old boots and bad meat
- rock crawling is the world's slowest automotive sport
- the largest hot dog ever was 1,996 feet long
- the only parts on a NASCAR stock car that are stock are the roof, front hood, and the deck lid
- SPAM® is actually a very good tasting meat (if it really is meat)
- my brother is excruciatingly odd.
- cheeesssseeeeee
- minky is just a misspelling of monkey
- so is monkee
- and monky
- and so is monkay
- and munky
- and munkey
- and muunky
- and minkee
- and albatross (which just happens to really be a seabird that can be sold on television shows, gee, who knew?)
- Albatross!!
- get your Albatross here!
- Albatross on a stick!
- my brother is still odd
- he is odder beyond all belief than you could even imagine
- restaurants typically sell food
- weeks old bread is most likely bad for you
- my brother is even more odd now
- he still is
- I'm not kidding when I say that SPAM is good (really!)
- type "qwerty", feels weird doesn't it?
- My brother thinks that he is even more odd than I thought!
RARELY SEEN NEWSPAPER HEADLINES : note: all headlines are purely fictional.
- 20 year old snail kills 5 year old child
- 105 year old man dies mysteriously, no wounds, inspectors suspect foul play
- can of SPAM becomes an overnight fashion sensation!
- child brings raw albatross to school, was suspended for "inappropriate use of bird"
- man falls asleep behind wheel, crashes mysteriously, without suspected reason.
- talking sea turtle suspected for theft of $1.6 million gem
- suicide by monkey: the suicidal craze that's sweeping through California!
- Back to the Future: voted the best movie of the century
- migrating coconuts spotted over France
- woman spots cheese curds with legs
- man has trouble seeing with new glasses, optometrist being sued for malpractice
- obsessive compulsive man seen licking park bench
- streaking duck found plucked to death in market stall
- packet of post-it® notes spontaneously combusts while undergoing security check at plant
- abandoned mansion found empty, suspected as an abandoned house
- man found living in garbage can outside Hormel plant
- Stonehenge created by Salmon!
- Giant Salmon eats half of the earth!
- Man born without eyes sees for the first time with help of pencil!
- cans of soda found to contain harmful bacteria that causes Alzheimer's.
- 23 employees at the Sharpie® permanent marker plant found dead without face masks, Chief Executive smells murder lingering... (read more, page 6c)
- NEW Murder Mystery Barbie® a sensation with kids!
- man hits deer on the way home from bad day of hunting, dies in accident.
- recent studies on deer find that they are excruciatingly vengeful animals, yet timid too
- Richest man on earth gives riches to charity so he can become a practicing Buddhist
- Recent scientific discoveries show that all species of mammal have hobbies, (i.e.: bear = garbage, deer = humans)
- Strange man, identified as Arvin Kirkpatrick*, found in a Wendy's dumpster, eating a fry. *(purely fictional)
- Blue Cow eats family, and master (Eric H.)
- evil snowman eats chimpanzee, no reason found yet
- man proposes to girlfriend while riding a unicycle upside-down in a dress, she accepted
- FedEx® deliveryman spotted on date with UPS® deliverywoman
- Plasma screen TV seen eating a rhinoceros in the Alps.
- knights of medieval times ate SPAM a lot
- can of Campbell's® Chicken Noodle Soup leaves plant with over 220 noodles, customer appalled
- Man claims to have seen aliens catching butterflies with ray guns